- It requires zero physical effort on our part
- It allows us to eat whatever we want, whenever we want to
Now I know all these "doctors" and "studies" act like you can't lose weight and maintain a healthy body without eating right and exercising, but what do they know with all of their "diplomas" and their "science."
Nada, that's what.
So, while I am in search of this miracle item to make all of my hopes and dreams come true, I have found a few other ideas that can aid in my weight loss goals…
"Sanitized Tapeworms" (as delicious as they sound)
used in the early 1900's, their slogan (as seen on the poster) reading: "No diet, no baths, no exercise. FAT - the enemy that is shortening your life - BANISHED. How? With sanitized tapeworms - jar-packed" Wow! It fits all my requirements and, apparently, you don't even have to bathe. Those tapeworms sure are sanitary. Perfect.
"The Charlie Bite"
which is some contraption you glue (?) to your teeth and it prevents you from chewing too vigorously. Well, chewing vigorously seems beside the point, but whatever. I can still eat anything I choose. I guess you are working out your mouth quite a bit with this thing, so there is some physical exertion required. But still quite minimal, if you think about it. It looks like it would do wonders for your teeth as well...
"The Power Plate,"
which reminds me very much of a modern this
and apparently works the same way. All you have to do is stand on the plate 10 minutes a day for 3 days a week and you'll lose weight…now that's 30 minutes too long for my taste, but since it guarantees I'll lose weight, I'll sign on the dotted line.
OK, now these cookies are a big fat NO on my diet requirements…why would I want to know this? Clearly, if I am eating a cookie, then I want no knowledge of my caloric intake…
If you have any more ideas, please feel free to share… :)
18 comments:
I think you are the funniest Chick out there!! I am blog stalking you...I'm Sarah, Natalie Cottam's cousin in-law....Anyway, I love all those ideas...I am especially for the Sanitized tape worms!! Perfect...seriously...the only other thing I have resorted to is looking for a needle big enough to deflate me. I am sure if I just poke myself I will deflate like a balloon... You'll smile when you hear me "whistle" away to nothing!!! and secretly you'll be jealous, wishing you'd thought of that!! he he he! Have a good night!
Last weekend I gave the "Costco cake and See's chocolate diet" a try, but it wasn't the fast track to size 4 that I was hoping for (more like the slippery slope to size 14). By the way - did someone really think those 'guilt trip' cookies were a good idea?
Okay your are freakin' hilarious! In France(I think)there was a pill diet and you would take these pills for thirty days and then the next thirty days you'd take a second set of pill. Well people had such sucess that after the first month they quit taking the pills. It turns out that the first pill gave you tape worms and the second one killed them. This wasn't that long ago either. So maybe worms are the way to go. I hear you can pretty much eat what and when you want.
Oh how I have prayed for worms in my life. But alas I have never been so lucky. Stinkin' healthy foods, always kept at the right temperature. This is a dream come true sanitized tape worms. Thanks for the tip! ;)
heck ya. You are brilliant (not to mention Hee-sterical) plus, you'd be so gansta with the silver teeth thingys. That's always a bonus in my book.
that charlie bite thing reminded me of when my mom had jaw surgery. she actually had to have her jaw wired shut for like month! she could only drink liquids through a straw. needless to say, she lost some poundage. so yeah, getting your jaw wired shut would work:) freakin hilarious post btw.
Love it Kristi! I think I'll order a tapeworm myself. And I am definitely agreeing with you on the annoying-ness of the nutrition facts printed everywhere. It just ruins life's enjoyment. I was eating an Egg McMuffin the other day and to my horror the caloric info was printed on the wrapper. Has McDonalds' gone the way of the world too? I almost couldn't finish it I was so shocked. Couldn't they let me just believe it was somewhat healthy for me? Then I realized that I was just eating the Egg and not the Sausage McMuffin. Phew 12 grams of fat isn't nearly as bad as 27.
I am laughing so hard. Why can't the pounds fall off like they used to when I was young? Oh ya...because I eat gold fish, fruit snacks, cookies, cheese crackers, and all the stuff I never used to eat before having kids. I'll go ahead and take a tape worm and the machine that melts of the weight while you just stand there. I will having to post a warning sign by me though when this body gets to giggling.
Yea, I ment to type jiggling!!
ok so my mom took care of a lady in the hospital a few years ago. She had just had a baby and was really thing. And they told the lady she had a tape worm and she was like "LEAVE IT ALONE!" Icckkk.
oops...thing=thin. I'm tired.
i'm all for the tapeworm, too. wher edo you find this stuff? you're such a nut.
That honeymoon excercise machine looks interesting. I'll try one of those please. ;0)
That honeymoon excercise machine looks interesting. I'll try one of those please. ;0)
That is so funny. I was talking to my cousin Gina today and she said that her 2 kids have the stomach flu and in my head I thought, man, I can take the stomach flu for a few days just as a jump start to a diet. Am I sick or what?
Oh my goodness.... keep it up. You made me laugh so hard. You are linked into my blog roll. I guess I should have asked first... but hey, when you're good... you're good. Haha. I'm so modest, as I just noticed I am on your blog roll. Gotta love this stuff.
Okay, I guess I'm a blog stalker sort of (La Nan's mom) Here's the rest of the story on the newly delivered mom with a tapeworm. She arrives to be induced with a basket of cheese, bread, strawberries, etc, etc., she's tan, skinny with a little bump...er bun in the oven... hair perfectly styled with a huge bow slightly off to the side (late 80's early 90's you know, sort of Madonna-ish) She's from one of the wealthiest and most prominent families in the city. Ready for her planned c-section and all goes perfectly as planned...of course with one small unanticipated exception, she's sick from the anesthesia and pukes in recovery. She actually tried to hide her emesis basin because low and behold there is a flat little friend wiggingly around and she doesn't want to lose her diet buddy. When confronted about how she got a tapeworm she wasn't sure how she got it but thought it was from a recent trip to Europe...yeah..... right.
wiggling =wiggingly
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